Friday 4th January 2013

4^th January 2013

12:57

Just woke up.  I had the best dream where me and Drew got married and JJ and Kat were bridesmaids and they turned up to the wedding with binocular rings around their eyes.  Apparently there is some sort of ancient Japanese legend that says that the first dream of the New Year will come true – this is my first dream of 2013 (unless you count the one yesterday about Evil Policeman and Megan Fox which I had in the afternoon when I was napping) which means it will come true.  Even if the Megan Fox dream where I am forced to divorce Drew comes true, I cannot divorce him unless I marry him first.  I have to tell JJ.

 

13:07

She texted back saying ‘hahahahaha yeah right’.  I honestly do not know why I am friends with her.

 

13:11

She wants me to go to the hairdressing salon with her because last time she got her hair cut, it went really wrong.  She looked like a man for six weeks until it grew out and then she looked like my grandmother.  The one that gives me sherbet.  She’s walking here for 13:30 and then Mum’s going to drive us into the High Street. 

 

13:32

JJ’s here now, but my mother is being irritating.  She came over, stared at my face and went ‘are you wearing makeup?’  No, I am not.  Well, I might be.  Yes, fine, I am, not that it is any of your business though, mother.  I must look my best for my Future Husband, if you must know. 

 

13:38

JJ started smirking when Mum mentioned how nice the new neighbours are.  I pushed her into the Christmas tree. 

 

13:43

Oh good.  Mum has finally finished ranting about makeup and talking about the new neighbours and has told us to get into the car. 

 

13:58

Kill me.  Kill me now.  We have been stuck in my mother’s miniscule Ford for the past quarter of an hour, trapped with her disastrous singing.  ‘Beneath Your Beautiful’ by Labrinth and Emeli Sande just came on and she’s wailing ‘won’t you let me see beneath your windowsill…’ like a dying goat being sat on by a beached whale.  I mean, those aren’t even the right lyrics.  Not even close.  What would Labrinth be trying to see underneath Emeli Sande’s windowsill?  Actually, I’d prefer not to know.  JJ is trying to be polite by concealing her laughter, but she laughs really loudly and starts shaking violently.  Still, she’s trying her best (although if I am honest, her best isn’t exactly good enough under these circumstances). 

 

14:00

Oh God.  JJ couldn’t hide it any longer and snorted really loudly.  Mum asked if she was okay, to which she replied ‘yes Mrs Lewis, I’m fine, I just remembered something that made me laugh, that’s all.’

 

14:01

Uh oh.  JJ is laugh-crying now.  I can’t breathe, this is just getting too funny.

 

14:04

Thank the Lord!  Mum pulled up to the curb outside of the hairdresser’s in the High Street, JJ is sprinting towards the building so Mum won’t see her laughing.  Oh wait, no, she’s slowing down…what’s going on?

 

14:06

It turns out there was a guy that I think JJ likes waiting just inside the salon.  Tall, blonde hair, brown eyes, athletic build…I can tell JJ likes him from the fact she is practically drooling over him.  I nudged her and whispered ‘shut your mouth, JJ, you’re letting the flies in’.  She whacked me.

 

14:12

JJ’s hairdresser came out and explained that the guy is her nephew, Lukaz.  Her brother-in-law is German, hence the name.  It’s slightly awkward though because none of us know German (actually, that’s a lie, me and JJ learn it at school but we spend most of our lessons discussing how many fit people we know or how many members of our favourite boybands are single) so Lukaz is stood there looking good and listening to music while JJ is just staring at him.  I cannot believe she’s being so obvious.  Then again, this is coming from me, the girl that stared at her Future Husband from a window, spied on him with binoculars then babbled like an idiot when she finally met him.  But let’s not mention that…

 

14:39

Ooh, what’s this?  JJ has started making polite conversation with Lukaz in German!  I didn’t know she pays attention in lessons! 

 

14:45

Ah.  It appears she only knows the basics.  I couldn’t really follow the conversation because, unlike JJ, I don’t listen in lessons (which would explain why the highlight of my Winter Term report was a D) but I think it went something like ‘hello, how are you Lukaz?’ ‘You speak German?!’  ‘I love you’  ‘I know’.  Maybe.  Probably not.  Anyway, after a couple of minutes she ran out of things to say, so he said a bunch of stuff which she didn’t understand while she just sat there and nodded, then he eventually trailed off when he realised she couldn’t understand him anymore.

 

14:56

JJ has hope!  Once her hairdresser had finished doing her hair, she paid with the money her mum gave her and as we were leaving to go Lukaz smiled at her and said ‘you nice look hair, colour is good, pulls out eyes’.  I think it was intended as a compliment, like ‘your hair looks nice, the colour is good, it brings out your eyes’ but it sounded slightly scary.  JJ just blushed and smiled.  When we got outside I said ‘wow, you acted so cool’ really sarcastically.  She just glared at me and said ‘Can I call you Andy?’  Damn it, I forgot she reads this.  That was a fluke, she wasn’t supposed to know.  It’s not like I was expecting her to take an interest in my blog, she’s never interested in my life normally unless there is someone fit involved.  Which there never is.  Well, until yesterday when I met my Future Husband.

 

15:19

We’re wandering up and down the High Street now, I think we’re going to the chippy to vent about our Future Husbands.  It is official, JJ likes Lukaz.  To be honest with you, he scared me slightly.  I mean, that last comment about her hair colour pulling her eyes out?  I just…nope.  It was too scary.  However, I must support her in this decision if I want her to support my marriage to Drew from next door.

 

15:24

Oh my God.  I am such an idiot.  I must have sounded like a complete and utter freak.  We went into the chippy and JJ was going on about how gorgeous Lukaz is in her opinion, so then I said ‘okay, well you can come to my wedding when I marry Drew if I am invited to your wedding with Lukaz’ which caused her to start shaking her head maniacally.  I thought a fly was buzzing around her or something, but then I heard someone say ‘did someone say my name?’ and I turned around and Drew was standing there.  The Fit One.  Temporarily Bob.  Staring.  At.  Me.  I couldn’t think of anything to say so I just mumbled ‘mrerrrh’.  Luckily, I had JJ there and she said ‘sorry, I don’t think we’ve met?’ and then I introduced them and she said ‘oh, yeah, we were just talking about The Midnight Beast.  We have this inside joke about Dru, but Ash has always been Maci’s favourite.’

 

15:38

JJ is a genius.  I am taking back every bad thing I have ever said about her (such as the other day when I posted about her being an idiot for changing her birthday.  But that was pretty stupid) because she has helped me massively.  After she explained the whole Drew/Dru thing, Drew started talking to us about The Midnight Beast.  He said he’s been to one of their signings and next time we should go with him!  So basically, JJ is responsible for the first conversation I have had with my Future Husband and possibly the first time I meet Ashley Neil Horne.  Unfortunately, the conversation with Drew ended after ten minutes because a) mine and JJ’s chips were ready b) his mum phoned and said she has to go out in a bit and needs him to come home to look after Noah and c) the chip man had to take his order.  Not that it matters because I spoke to him!  Even if it was only for ten minutes and JJ was talking to him too, I spoke to him!  So happy!

 

15:43

He smiled.  And waved.  As we were leaving he smiled and waved.  This may be the best day of my life so far!  Well, other than the day I was born because without that, this day would not have happened.  Actually, the day I was born is probably the most important day of my life – I can’t really say it was the best day because I can’t remember it.  For all I know it was actually a really rubbish day because Mum says I was born on a Wednesday and that’s one of my least favourite days because I have physics and double maths on Wednesdays for the second year in a row.  That reminds me, I have school next week.  Stuck in an ‘educational’ prison for seven hours a day.  Early mornings.  Homework.  Teachers.  On the upside, Drew starts on Monday and asked if I could help him out if he gets lost.  On the other hand:  Prison.  Homework.  Teachers.  Aaaaand we’re back to square one which is that I don’t like school.  Or Wednesdays.  

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Thursday 3rd January 2013

3^rd January 2013

9:08

Oh God.  Oh God, oh God, oh God.  I was brushing my teeth with this new whitening toothpaste I made Mum buy, but then the brush slipped (it’s electric) so white toothpaste has sprayed all over my hair.

 

9:14

It’s not coming out.  I’ll get changed later, right now I’m having a not-quite-midlife crisis with the toothpaste thing.  If I live to 60 then I’m ¼ of the way through my life.  A first-quartile-life crisis.  Does that exist?  Or make sense?  The doorbell is ringing, it’s probably Mum back from the shops (I made her drive to Tesco to buy me some chewing gum – spearmint, if you’re interested).  Anyway, I won’t bother getting changed.  The Evil Ones aren’t that important. 

 

9:28

Oh God.  Oh God, oh God, oh God (again).  It wasn’t Mum, it was Temporarily Bob.  The Fit One.  His mum made him come round with brownies for us to be ‘neighbourly’.  He looked really fit too, wearing black jeans with a grey shirt and leather jacket.  I’m a vegetarian myself (ish.  Except for Friday to Sunday), but I wouldn’t go calling PETA on him for the leather.  For one thing, he’s fit and my future husband.  For another, his dad might arrest me.  Anyway, I took the brownies from him and put them in the kitchen (I also grabbed a hoody from the living room to cover the top half of my polka dot onesie).  When I got back to the door, he was just standing there looking gorgeous.  He stuck out his hand, introducing himself as ‘Drew Goddard from next door’.  I stared at his hand for a bit then realised I was meant to shake it (the hand.  By ‘shake it’ I do not mean that I was meant to start dancing).  I’m not being funny but his skin was really soft.  I said ‘hey, I’m Maci Lewis’.  At least, that’s what I should have said.  Instead, I babbled, ‘Maci hey Lewis am I’.  Dimwit.  He laughed politely and said he liked my name.  I like his name too, particularly his surname (because it will one day be my surname too, so I have to like it, not that I told him that). 

For some reason (probably because some of JJ’s idiocy has rubbed off on me) I then replied, ‘thanks, can I call you Andy?’  It just slipped out.  Still, I should be thankful I didn’t ask to call him Temporarily Bob.  That would have raised a few eyebrows, I reckon.  He looked quite confused.  He just answered ‘nah, Drew’s fine.  I have a sister called Andy, short for Andrea, but she moved back to Oxford for college.’  Awkward.  But ooh, ooh, conversation opportunity.

‘You lived in Oxford?’

He nodded.  ‘Yeah, we move a lot because of Mum’s job.  We’ve been all over – Devon, Somerset, Oxford.  We were in Brighton last.’

‘I like Brighton,’ I smiled, even though I’ve never been there.  But that’s where Rizzle Kicks are from, so I probably would like it.

He grinned wistfully.  ‘Yeah, my little brother Noah loved it there.  He’s four.’

‘Aww, sweet,’ I cooed, thinking back to when Miki (pronounced Mickey) was that age and was too young to insult me.  Don’t ask about our names, by the way – it’s like my parents have some sort of aversion to normal names.  They’ve always liked four-letter names and the letter ‘i’. 

‘Have you got siblings?’ he asked.  I nodded and rolled my eyes, attempting to look cool despite my toothpaste hair and spotty onesie. 

‘Miki’s five years younger.’  I felt so clever – not for calculating the age gap, I could count to five anyway, thank you very much – because I’ve told Drew the age gap but given him the opportunity to ask about my age.

‘How old are you?’  Yesss!

‘Turned fifteen in December,’ I answered, nodding wisely.  ‘You?’

‘I’m sixteen in February.’  No!  He’s in the year above.  In this area, varied year-group hook-ups are rare.  Damn.  ‘Going to The Phillip Wright Secondary School for Boys and Girls’ he recited.  This is brilliant, my luck is changing:  we’re at the same school!

‘Ah, we just call it Phil’s Prison.’  Which is 100% true, but he seemed to think I was making a joke.  Which I wasn’t – most of the teachers just call it ‘Prison’ or ‘That Place’ or ‘Place of Work’ which can be cool because then you can shorten it to ‘POW!’ like a superhero. 

 

10:17

He has added me on Facebook!  Chuffed!  Now it’s only a matter of time before he proposes…

 

10:19

What should I do?  I was going to accept, but it might be obvious if I do it immediately that I think he is fit.  I’ll have to put it off, delay it for a while, a bit like screening. 

 

10:20

It’s been one minute.  Has it been long enough?

 

10:21

Now?

 

10:23

I’ll put him out of his misery in a second.

 

10:27

Couldn’t do it.  Remembered that I posted a link to this blog in a Facebook status.  If he reads this I will die.  A) because Drew the Fit King has read the blog and B) because he would be reading everything I have ever vented about him.  Which, over the course of 2 days, is actually quite a lot.  He’ll know that the piece of denim that his dog brought home was torn from my jeans.  What will I do then?

 

11:07

I was going to tell Kat and JJ about this, get their opinions on what to do, but what if they add him before me?  Then they chat and fall in love and…I can’t.  I refuse.

 

11:11

It’s 11:11!  Make a wish!

 

11:12

Wished for Drew Goddard to be eternally mine.  Technically, I haven’t told anyone about this wish, therefore it must come true.  Hahaha.

 

11:37

I’m a genius.  I’m going to post loads of random crap so my most recent posts will be random crap, not links to my blog.

 

11:51

Have written 26 posts, each containing one letter of the alphabet, then I posted all the multiples of 5 between 1 and 1000.

 

11:56

Oh God.  He’ll read my posts and think I’m a freak that does maths and alphabet-recitals in my free time.  I don’t, honest.

 

12:08

Oh dear.  I’ve just found the ‘delete post’ button on Facebook.  Deleted all of the blog links, now I just need to clear the alphabet and multiples of 5.

 

12:47

Last one.

 

12:53

Writing this into my calendar diary thingy.  At 12:53pm on Thursday 3^rd January 2013, The Fit One has been added.

 

12:55

He’s not online.  Well this is disappointing.

 

12:56

I suppose I’ll have to cyberstalk him then.

 

13:00

He has 396 friends on FB.  He also has 296 photos, but only 23 have him in.  He is very photogenic.  Hehe.  His profile picture is so cute, it’s him with Noah.  At least, I hope it’s Noah otherwise he’s put a random kid on Facebook.  Oh, he likes Kids in Glass Houses…hello, Google.

 

13:14

Not bad.  I also discovered he likes Halestorm (I like Halestorm), Bowling For Soup (I like Bowling For Soup) and The Midnight Beast (love!  Ashley Horne, you are PHWOAR!  But don’t tell Mum, she thinks you’re ‘inappropriate’). 

 

13:17

Fangirling over my One Direction and The Wanted posters.

 

13:22

What’s this?  No!  Back in May he posted ‘Don’t understand the obsession with boybands these days.  They’re just idiots with good hair’.  Goodbye 1D poster.  Farewell, Nathan Sykes.  At least he complimented your hair.

 

13:43

Must…stop…stalking.

 

14:11

Mrs Maci Mae Priya Goddard.  Yes, I like that.  It has a nice ring to it.

 

14:20

Wonder if he has a middle name?

 

14:29

I don’t believe it.  Drew Rhydian Ashley Goddard.  D.R.A.G!  Aha!  I shouldn’t laugh, he might be a transvestite, in which case I must support him with this life decision.  I will be there for you Drew, don’t you worry.  Rhydian!  Haha!  That’s the name of the guy that was on The X Factor a few years back that always wore fluffy clothes so he looked like the lovechild of a lion and a signet.  On the upside, he shares a name with the fittest member of The Midnight Beast.

 

15:00

Logged out of FB.

 

15:08

My phone is flashing blue?

 

15:16

It was a notification from Facebook!  Drew messaged me and asked if I could walk with him to school on Monday because I’m beautiful and he wants to marry me!  Joking.  How I wish it was true.  He DID however say that he might ask me to show him round as he gets lost very easily and doesn’t know anyone else here.  For me, this is a victory.  You know what they say:  first, corridor patrol with Temporarily Bob…er, The Fit One…I mean Drew, then marriage.  I reply ‘sure, that’s fine, see you Monday =)’  Wish I had been cooler in person, though…

 

15:47

Oh God.  Evil Policeman Goddard will be my father-in-law. 

 

16:18

Tired.  Having a nap.

 

16:36

Awake.  Had a nightmare where Evil Policeman chased me down the road and forced me to sign divorce papers because he was forcing Drew to marry Megan Fox.  Oh, forbidden love.  *sigh*

 

17:08

Just realised that Drew, Noah and Andy all have four-letter names.  Like me and Miki.  It is meant to be.  Maybe when we get married and settle down and whatnot (it WILL happen) our children can have eight-letter names.  Y’know, because four letters + four letters = eight letters?  Hmmm, I need to go and brainstorm eight-letter names now…

Wednesday 2nd January 2013

2^nd January 2013

10:26

I can’t move.  I cannot go to live in JJ’s closet, for a number of reasons.  1)  I have remembered that I am both claustrophobic and afraid of the dark, so a closet would not exactly be the ideal place for me to live.  2)  I have been texting JJ all morning and she hasn’t answered her phone so she obviously doesn’t want me to be her roomie.  Which is just stupid.  I mean, who wouldn’t want to live with me?  Maybe I’m just too awesome and that makes her feel inadequate?  3)  I woke up this morning and looked out the window and this guy was outside stealing a package from outside Evil Policeman’s house.  I didn’t mind too much because I don’t like Evil Policeman because he is evil and a policeman.  Also, this guy is FIT.  I’m not just saying that either, I mean, he is phwoar.  But then he looked up and caught me staring so I shut my eyes and pretended I was asleep, except then I realised that most people don’t sleep sitting up by the window after 10am, so I pretended to faint instead.  I sort of opened one eye to see if he had gone yet and Evil Policeman opened the door.  In my head I was thinking ‘run, fit guy, RUN!’ but then Evil Policeman said ‘Hello son, what have you got there?’  In other words, I can’t move out because, despite my hatred of Evil Policeman, I am developing a liking for Evil Policeman’s Not Evil And Really Quite Good-Looking Son.  I must stay and brave the odds – if not for me, for Evil Policeman’s Not Evil And Really Quite Good-Looking Son (for simplicity I shall call him Bob).

10:43

I have decided that Bob is probably not the best name.  It really doesn’t do him any justice, Bob is the name of a builder and from my experience, builders aren’t what you’d called ‘phwoar’ and are more like ‘urghhh’.

12:57

JJ, I have decided, is an idiot.  She’s setting up a new email account because her last one died, so I suggested she get Gmail because, let’s face it, no-one uses Hotmail or Yahoo! anymore.  Only, when she was entering her personal information, she put her birthday as June 14^th 1997, so she’s now in Year 11.  You’re probably thinking ‘what’s wrong with that?’  What’s wrong with that is that she is in Year 10 with me.  As I said, idiot.

13:07

Oh dear.  Just got Twitter (follow me @AnswerMeJJ) and my mum insisted that I follow Gary Barlow.  Well, that was after I had explained what ‘following’ is – she got worried, thinking I was stalking celebrities in my free time.  She obviously has no clue what I use Google for hehe.  Apparently she still thinks it’s the middle ages and that people still listen to Take That (I won’t mention that JJ does.  JJ is a bit weird really, she calls the Jonas Brothers ‘current’).

 

13:11

Haha.  I’m getting back at my mother by following all the fast food chains on Twitter.  I’m starting with Nando’s even though I’m not sure it counts as ‘fast food’ because I know that’s the one she hates the most.  Next it’ll be Maccy D’s mwahaha.

13:30

JJ and Kat are coming round in an hour to spy on Temporarily Bob with me.  We’re going to use my binoculars for a bit because his room is opposite mine, then we can go camp out in the garden.  JJ also got Twitter, she wants me to say to follow her (because she is a loner) @closet_freakJJ but you don’t have to if you don’t want.  I almost didn’t but then she threatened to ignore me for a week, so I sort of had to because Tammy, Alice and Bella are all away or ill, so other than JJ, my only friend at the moment is Kat.  I refuse to admit that I am a loner.

14:02

Just remembered that Mum threw my binoculars into the bin when I was eight.  I’ll ask Kat and JJ – if they both bring a pair, I can use one and force them to share another.

14:43

They’re both here and we’re sitting by my window, crouching down every time we see a silhouette by The Window.  It’s like a shrine.  I shall worship it forevermore.  Kat started complaining, whining about how it was unfair that she and JJ have to share binoculars.  All I said was ‘well I could have just not told you about the fitness living next door and then there would be no use for the binoculars at all.’  That shut her up.

14:58

Spying on him from my window isn’t working, so we’re going to sit out on some mats out back.  It’s quite warm today, considering the fact it is January in Great Britain.

15:08

It’s getting quite hot actually.  Might take my jacket off.

15:12

Oh my God.  He just came outside.  He is gardening or something, shovelling some soil.  Please get warmer, please, then he’ll have to take his top off (fingers crossed).

15:27

Yes.  Yes!!!  Thank you, God!  I love you, I love you, I love you!  It’s pretty damn hot outside now, so he took his jacket off.  He hasn’t taken his top off ( ='( ) but it’s fine because it’s made of a really thin white fabric so we are all just sat here with the binoculars observing his six-pack and muscular arms from afar.

15:33

He looked at me.  He.  Looked.  At.  Me.  I had to chuck the binoculars away and they hit Kat on the nose (not difficult really, she’s got quite a big nose).  She swore at me under her breath but it doesn’t matter because then he waved and said ‘hey’.  To me.  I’m choosing to ignore the fact that Kat and JJ were sitting with me.  At the wedding reception, when I give a speech, this is the moment I will talk about.  “I saw him from across a crowded…garden…and we both knew in that moment that this was It.”  So what if the garden isn’t actually that crowded?  Actually, it’s almost empty but that’s besides the point.  And maybe he is unaware that I am The One, his Future Wife, but I will convince him.  He will know because I will chain him to a lamppost otherwise.  He has no choice, there’s no backing out now that he’s said ‘hey’.  He cannot walk out on my awesomeness.

15:35

I realise I have been staring at him for the past two minutes.  I think we should probably go inside now.

15:49

I have Claimed him.  Temporarily Bob is now officially mine.  At first Kat said she wanted to go out with him, but I said ‘too late, we’ve already had a Moment from across a crowded room’.  JJ looked at me and said ‘what room?’ to which I said ‘the garden’.  Then she had the nerve to say ‘a garden isn’t a room.  It’s outside, for a start, and it wasn’t crowded.  I think Temporarily Bob deserves someone intelligent, like myself.’  The nerve of some people.  Cheeky cow.  I jumped on top of her and pinned her to the floor, except I have no strength so she didn’t stay there for long but it was fun to watch her wriggling about on the carpet while it lasted.

15:54

I won.  He is mine.  Haha, beat that JJ.  I should really thank Kat’s dad, he came to collect both of them just after JJ broke free from my grasp.  Because they were in my house and left before we had finished the argument, he is now officially mine as a result.  Kat’s dad was looking at them a bit funny as they went out the front door, might have something to do with the marks the binoculars have left around their eyes.  They look like they were wearing glasses in a tanning booth.  Oh crap, what if I have binocular marks?  What if I had them the whole time and that’s why Temporarily Bob was looking at me so strangely in the Crowded Room AKA Garden?  Oh God.  My life is ruined.  He’ll never want to marry me now.  There’s only one thing for it:  I’ll have to tie him to the lamppost.

15:58

Damn.  I can’t tie him to the lamppost and force him to marry me because a) I’m only 15 so I can’t get married yet b) I don’t even know his real name unless his parents had coincidentally named him Temporarily Bob when he was born.. c) his father is a policeman.  Tying up Fit Teenagers to lampposts is probably a crime in some country, and even if it isn’t, his dad is Evil Policeman.  Evil by name, evil by nature.  He’d probably pass a law just to annoy me.  ‘Thou shalt not tie Fit Teenages to thy lamppost’ or something.  Or is that a commandment?

16:19

I’m trying to think of names for Temporarily Bob.  As in, what his name is, not thinking up other names for him.  I don’t want to go about my life being ‘Mrs Maci Bob’.  It just doesn’t work, no matter how fit he is.

16:27

Wearing my onesie now.  Hahaha, Mum hates them.  She always glares at me and says ‘you aren’t a baby anymore so why are you wearing a giant babygrow?’  Um, I don’t know mother, perhaps because I am awesome and therefore I require clothes that reflect my awesomeness?

17:23

Ooh, I can hear the oven beeping now, going to annoy The Evil Ones in my onesie mwahaha…

18:04

She isn’t funny.  She thinks she is, but really?  She isn’t.  I sat down at the dinner table and she looked at me quizzically so I said ‘what?  Do I have binocular ring marks?’ then started worrying that Temporarily Bob saw me looking like a red panda.  Then she goes ‘You don’t look very well, you have spots all over you.’  So of course, I started freaking out, thinking I’ve got chicken pox or something but it turns out she was trying (and failing) to make a joke because my onesie has polka dots on.  I just stared at her, hoping she’d taking the hint and shut up but then she started laughing.  Full-on laughter.  Yes, yes, mother:  ha-bloody-ha-ha.  No.  We are not amused.

18:15

Maybe I won’t call him Temporarily Bob anymore, seeing as how it’s only temporary.  I need something that is permanent, that he always will be…fit.  He always will be fit unless someone dies and he reverts to comfort eating and listening to Take That CDs.  Until his name is known, he shall be referred to as The Fit One.

18:18

Miki is being an idiot again.  He is leaping round the house rapping, so I said ‘what are you doing exactly?’ to which he replied ‘I’m Kanye West innit blad’.  I don’t want to be the one to tell him that Kanye West does not jump around the house, is not British and is not a chav.  I’ll let him figure it out by himself, he needs to learn life lessons such as this one on his own, like when I was nine and no-one told me that I was not, in fact, a hula-vampire.  I don’t know where I got that idea from, but I blame The Evil Ones.  I went to school and got in trouble for hula dancing then biting my teacher.  Someone should have warned her.  Honestly.

Tuesday 1st January 2013

January 1^st 2013

17:37

So annoyed.  My mother has stolen my headphones.  I mean, I know I have about twelve pairs of them and I have broken nine pairs and lost one, but that doesn’t give her any right to steal mine!  Anyway, it’s not like I meant to break the other ones.  One pair got caught on a rabbit hutch, another pair got wet (and that is not a euphemism so there is no reason for you to go misinterpreting that as something dirty like I have done just now, so do not laugh hysterically like I am now) and broke and there was that time I went to sleep listening to music.  When I woke up, only the backing tracks would play.  I thought my phone was trying to do karaoke or something, but apparently not.

 

17:39

I told her she isn’t allowed to use them.  She started yelling ‘why not!’ and ‘don’t be so nasty!’.  That’s not exactly fair.  It’s not nasty, it’s just the way she’s interpreted it.  She yelled at me that time when I borrowed her headphones so why should she get to borrow mine?  She’s probably going to start lecturing me about being selfish, but I’m not, I’m just being reasonable.  It’s like when she starts ‘dancing’ in the car when she drops us off at the bus stop – she does this weird thing, you can’t really call it dancing, she starts shaking from side to side like she’s being electrocuted or something.  I tell her to stop, so does my brother, but she never listens.  We’re not being selfish then  either, it’s actually for her health.  If we allowed her to continue being electrocuted then we’d be embarrassing her and probably destroying humanity.  It’s not fair to humankind.  We can’t just sit by and let her do that, I feel that it is my duty as a citizen of this planet to stop crimes.  And yes, before you ask, dancing is a crime when it is committed by someone over the age of 25, because then it’s just dodgy…a crime against nature I guess.

 

17:58

JJ texted me earlier saying ‘omg haven’t seen u since lst yr!’.  Rude.  Not the message, that’s not rude.  What’s rude is that I told her I was going to say that to everyone after midnight.  And she stole it.  She stole it.  Evil tree.  I’m not even joking, I do it every year.  Last year I ran out of the living room at about 11:50 and stayed in my room for ten minutes before running downstairs yelling ‘oh my gosh!  I haven’t seen any of you since last year!”  I must say, it was pretty successful.  Except it didn’t work as well this year because my brothers left the room at about 11:49 and my dad was already asleep upstairs so I did it to my mum instead.  And she didn’t even find it that funny this year.  I think the novelty must have worn off already.  That’s pretty pointless.

 

18:03

To be honest with you, it’s her fault if the novelty has worn off.  I told her we should have done the pizza thing.  I told her, but did she listen?  No.  Obviously not, because she’s a parent and parents never listen.  Never.  I think they only listen when someone says ‘is that your son climbing the tree over there?’ and it is and they get all red and cross.  Honestly.  If they didn’t want their children climbing trees then they shouldn’t have had children.  And they probably shouldn’t take said children to parks with trees.

 

18:17

She’s still using my headphones.  I’m not selfish, honestly, I swear.  In fact, I’m probably the least selfish of my family.  They all just sit there and do nothing all day until I suggest that we get out and actually do something, at which point they say ‘move you bloody head out of the way, you’re blocking out the TV’.  Well, actually, that was kind of the point?  To stop you all sitting there with your eyes glued to the television?  But obviously I’m not welcome here.  That’s fine.  They always forget that there is a second floor to the house, so I always just go upstairs and stomp around for a bit to annoy them.  Works every time.  Maybe I should do that now?

 

18:49

I have been thudding around upstairs for over half an hour now, and I think the only one I’m punishing is myself.  Maybe if I ‘fall’ down the stairs, they’ll all stop watching TV or killing nonexistent zombies on that pathetic Xbox to come and help me.  Then, I’ll run to the living room and disconnect all the cables so no-one can do anything.  Mwahaha I am an evil genius.  Or maybe I could just run to steal the TV remote?  That could work, I think The Simpsons is on.

 

18:54

Okay, no, ow ow oww.  My plan has failed.  They ignored me.  So now I’m upside down on the stairs with a broken leg and they’re still watching TV.

 

19:02

Hahahahahaha.  The joke’s on them.  I’ve figured out how I can stop them watching TV.  I just remembered that a policeman moved next door last Wednesday, so what I’ll do is I will limp next door and sort of hobble in front of the windows until he comes outside.  Then, when he asks if I’m okay, I’ll say ‘no, my parents ignored me when I fell down the stairs, they’ve committed child abuse’ and he’ll have to come and shout at them or something because he’s a policeman.

 

19:06

Does ignoring a child when they fall downstairs actually count as child abuse?  It must do.  You can’t just ignore a person.  My leg’s probably broken and it’s their fault.

 

19:11

Maybe it isn’t their fault.  I mean, it was part of my plan.  Which I devised.  But then again, the plan was created because they wouldn’t stop watching TV and that woman stole my headphones.  So really, they drove me to the plan.  What kind of parents do that?  What possesses you to drive a fifteen year old to making a plan?  That’s just asking for trouble, that is.  Everyone knows fifteen year olds are pretty dense, so why would you drive one to formulate a plan?  Especially one with stairs involved.  Fifteen year olds don’t know how to use stairs sensibly.  Seriously.  You should see me at school, me and Kat go lumbering up the stairs in the weirdest ways.  It gets weirder every time and sometimes we end up falling down the stairs and then Miss Jackson comes and yells at us.  It’s not our fault.  She’s just irritable because she isn’t married yet and she’s practically 100.  Okay, so maybe she’s 32, but that’s basically the same thing.  Most people don’t live to 100 and I’d consider my life over if I was older than 30 too.

 

19:21

I hate stairs.  I stood up so I could go walk outside the neighbours’ house, but then I tripped over again and now my face hurts.

 

19:25

Oh no.  What if I get a bruise on my face?  Like, right across my cheek.  I don’t want to go to school with a massive purple stripe across my face.  Ooh, ooh what’s this?  I can hear the evil ones (parents) talking.  They’re saying stuff like ‘Do you think we should get it for her?’ and ‘Would she use it?’ or ‘Is it too expensive?’

 

19:29

OW!  That was just uncalled for.  I yelled down to find out what they’re talking about but then they started whispering so I went and pressed my ear against the door and then something hit me on the head.  I picked it up and it was a shoe.  A shoe.   That is child abuse, you can’t just throw shoes at people when they’re eavesdropping.  It’s not like they knew I was eavesdropping, for all they know I could have been looking for something…in the door.  That’s it, I’m following through with my plan.

 

19:47

I’m not following through, I take it back, I take it all back, oh God what have I done?  He’s going to kill me oh my gosh oh my gosh!!!  I limped past the window for ten minutes then the policeman came out and I was thinking ‘thank goodness, finally someone sane that will help me’.  But then he started yelling at me waving some stick thing over his head and a dog came out and started growling.  Not a nice little Chihuahua with little furry ears and big innocent eyes either – a massive German Shepherd with the sharpest teeth I’ve ever seen.  It’s like Little Red Riding Hood.  Well, it would have been if I was wearing a red hood or if the dog was actually a wolf and the policeman was my grandmother.  As it turns out, he was not.  My grandmother gives me a sherbet every time I visit and I don’t think waving a stick at me is quite the same thing.  Anyway, I had to sprint back home.  I would have been fine except then I remembered that if I went through the front door he would know where I lived, so I had to run the long way through the park.  What I didn’t realise was that the dog had been chasing me the entire route and he leapt onto my leg as I got to the park, so I spent a minute trying to shake a massive German Shepherd off of my leg then I had to run to my back gate without him catching up.

 

20:01

I have decided I do not like dogs.  Or policemen.  Or neighbours.  Which means I can’t really do a lot with my life:  I can’t go into law enforcement because then I’d be surrounded by a load of policemen.  At the same time, I’m not allowed to get in trouble with the law because that’s another way I’d be surrounded by policemen.  Also, I can’t live next to anyone with a dog or own one of my own.  Actually, I wouldn’t be able to live next to anyone because then I’d be a neighbour and I’d have neighbours.  My life will have to be extremely boring from now on.

 

20:36

Maybe I can move in with Kat?  I’ll text her.  I know she has neighbours but technically it’s not my house so they wouldn’t be my neighbours.  See?  I really am a genius!  (And I’m modest).

 

20:39

Kat had texted back saying her parents won’t let her harbour criminals.  Rude.  I’ll ask JJ instead.

 

20:43

Woo!  JJ says her parents said no but that’s fine because she had a massive closet that she’s going to hide me in!

 

20:57

I’m packing a suitcase.  I’ll move into JJ’s closet tomorrow, but we’re going to have to find a way of pushing the suitcase through her window so her mum doesn’t see it.

 

21:48

Okay, off to bed now.  I wasn’t sure what I would need at JJ’s so I’ve packed a washbag (not my toothbrush yet because I’ll need that in the morning), a bikini (in case she has a sunlamp or something in her closet), my school clothes and then a bunch of other stuff.